When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Teeth

True, with only teeth, he didn’t kill the guy.

He just bit his ear off.

Who does he think he is, Mike Tyson?

Both men are from Mexico, Pittsburgh’s Action 4 News reported. According to the victim, the accused attacker was in a rage over “what could be coming for him” under President Donald Trump. Salatiel Marcos Ortiz suffered through a very traumatic ordeal. “He want to kill me. He going crazy,” he said.

Ortiz told Pittsburgh’s Action News 4 that his roommate — whose name has not been released by police — was drunk, angry over repeatedly losing money on the lottery and worried about what Trump will do as president.

Someone wiser than us once said that a lottery is a tax on stupidity. Anyone whose plan for advancement involves a game of chance with astronomical odds needs to direct most of his efforts to polishing Plan B.

Ortiz said that he and his roommate are from Mexico, and that the roommate feared Trump would force him and other immigrants out of the United States.

“He is paying his money on lottery, and now Donald Trump say, anybody got to go,” Ortiz said.

Ortiz said the roommate broke his finger, pushed him down a flight of stairs and chomped off a chunk of his ear at their Amber Street apartment.

“He take my ear and he bite it,” Ortiz said.

When the roommate went for a knife, Ortiz was able to run to a nearby gas station and seek help, he said.

“He tell me, ‘Don’t move, because I gonna kill you,'” Ortiz said. “When he goes, like, (to) take (the) knife is when I knew the chance and run away.”

Yeah, that’s basically the left-edge-of-the-bell-curve version of the part where the evil mastermind painstakingly explains his plan, then leaves the hero right underneath the air duct grate.

You can watch the video here.

via Enraged About Trump, Man Bites off Ear of Roommate.

Unfortunately, it’s not a video of these two chuckleheads re-enacting the Holyfield-Tyson bite, we mean, fight. It’s just a typical TV news video of stand-up patter and a short clip of one chewed-up Mexican complaining about his hermano’s cannibalistic tendencies, as quoted above.

We watch these things so that you don’t have to.

It gives a whole new spice to the term, “Mexican Food.” Like Soylent Green, it’s people.

The name (or alias, probably) of the ear-eater is being withheld by Pittsburgh police, as it is a sanctuary city, and he was only eating the ear Americans wouldn’t eat. He was getting a knife and coming back for the heart, Your Honor, but he was just being true to his Aztec culture.

Police are looking for him, and so are scouts for the Cincinnati Bengals.

10 thoughts on “When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Teeth

  1. Differ

    Two separate Pit Bull Attacks in same neighborhood in Atlanta this month:
    http://www.11alive.com/news/local/pitbull-owner-in-custody-after-child-dies-in-attack-/386660718
    http://www.wsbtv.com/news/local/atlanta/man-attacked-by-dogs-where-child-died-last-week/487293890
    One kid dead another hospitalized and now an adult almost killed. Surprised the residents haven’t taken care of the problem kinetically. But then the helpless folks of South Atlanta had to hire professionals to eradicate feral pigs which were grubbing up their yards a couple years back.

  2. Tom Stone

    Stop dissing the Lottery, it replaced Publisher’s Clearing House as “America’s retirement plan”.

  3. Thorson Grunewald

    “…he was just being true to his Aztec culture.”

    Close, but I think you mostly mean his Aztec genetics. Genetics are everything, dontchaknow.

  4. John M.

    So at least he’s doing something good for the country by leaving his money behind in the state Lotto scam.

    -John M.

  5. Keith

    I’ve said before that when the Progressive/Cosmo/Tranzi party gets everything else banned they will go after the 5 most dangerous weapons that have killed more people across history, the hands, feet and brain. Guess need to add teeth to that list as well.

    Also notice how the MSM is implying the election of Trump is the real reason this happened.

  6. bloke_from_ohio

    I sold lotto tickets at a stop and rob during my last year of college. It astounded me the amount of money people blew on those stupid things. I had guys and gals come in daily and drop hundreds of dollars on just scratch offs. When the mega millions and later the power ball got into nose bleed territory, we would get lines almost out the door for hours on end. The state was basically printing money.

    Innumerate is about the crux of it. The probability of winning the lotto is printed on the back of the scantron card you use to pick your numbers. You don’t even have to do the math to figure it out they do it for you. You do have to understand what a probability of 1 in something ludicrously high actually means though.

    We had lots of regulars who dumped way more money than was wise into the system. This one South East Asian guy would buy a handful of $20 tickets at a time only to “play” them squatted down next to a tree in the parking lot and come back inside for more. He would spend a couple hours doing that after work every day or two. It was sad.

    The only thing worse than crazy lines full of crazy people was when the machine would break. Based on customer reactions you would have thought we were catapulting puppies into the sun.

    The technician that kept our machines pumping out worthless pieces of false hope was actually accosted by a gang of fools. They violently demanded to be told the winning numbers for the evenings drawing. They honestly believed the numbers were somehow both preselected and that the lottery officials would share them with everyone linked to the enterprise. Mind you this is a man who was paid just over minimum wage to drive around town and reset broken printers.

    The night we got robbed (a couple hours after I came off shift) the guy took all the cash in the drawer, some smokes, and all the scratch offs he could get. All we did was call the state and tell them to cancel the ticket number range from the roll (marked with a lot number) he stole from. I think that is part of how they caught the budding criminal mastermind. He also left his magazine at the scene of the crime with prints on it. He over enthusiastically pistol whipped the night clerk and dropped it.

    On a side note, 1:37 is the amount of time needed to set fire to a roll of lottery ticket thermal printer paper with your standard gas station microwave. The burrito setting works the best…

  7. Docduracoat

    I admit to occasionally ( less than once per month) buying a $5 lottery ticket
    For me this is an insignificant amount of money
    Less than the cost of one box of ammo
    And someone does win
    You can’t be that someone if you don’t buy a ticket

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