“It’s dead, Jim.”

That seems to have been the ultimatum a young Alabama man gave his mother. She didn’t do what he wanted, and he began killing a hostage every fifteen minutes.

The hostages? Her flock of chickens. Haden Smith had bumped off an hour and a half’s worth of fowl bargaining chips before deputies arrived. He had threatened to kill them, but they either were a tougher egg to crack… or he just chickened out.

Romeo Montague Haden Smith. Sorry! Easy mistake, right?

Haden Smith, 18, was arrested Thursday and charged with domestic violence third degree and criminal mischief. Deputies say the situation started when Smith texted his mother, threatening to kill one of her chickens every 15 minutes until she contacted his girlfriend’s parents and attempted to mend their broken relationship.

Deputies claim Smith gave his mother a deadline of noon before he started to kill the chickens. They also say he threatened to burn his mother’s house down, kill any deputies that arrived on the scene, and kill himself.

He then began sending his mother picture messages of each chicken he killed at 15-minute intervals, killing six in total before he was arrested, deputies say.

As we’ve noted before, Huntsville, Alabama has quite a few pukka rocket scientists there, but the rural areas in the WHNT broadcast area may include some, er, more traditionally Alabaman newsmakers. Do Read The Whole Thing™, but we do want to share the WHNT producer’s perfect ending with you:

There’s no word on Smith’s current relationship status.

Boom.

How are we going to top that?

Somehow we doubt that Suzy is weeping over Haden’s mugshot, going, “He does love me… he was willing to slay chickens for me.”