A Mess of Accidents, April’s Fools 2017

It’s been a while, and so it’s time for another Mess of Accidents, in which people go bang unintentionally, go bang in the wrong direction, in the wrong place, into the wrong person (indeed, anybody you shoot without having decided to use deadly force on that person is by definition the wrong person, or in any of a myriad of other ways, used a firearm to pin the tail on the donkey — himself.

Make what you will of the fact that these roundups are almost always all guys, even with more women shooting all the time. Do women use more intelligence? Use fewer and lower dosages of mind-altering substances? Or just not operate firearms with their heads up their fourth point of contact? Requires further research.

Anyway, here’s our shootin’ fools for April. Some of them are crushingly tragic; others are bleakly comical.

Long, Long Ago: The Range Jedi

This is an old YouTube, but it’s still as entertaining as it ever was.

“Seein’ as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it can blow the acoustic ceiling tiles clean off, you gotta ask yourself one question: do you feel stupid? Well, do ya… punk?”

Lee Paige was not available for comment.

Item 7 April: The Etymology of “Expert”

Not to reprise the last bit of dumbassery, but unless you’ve been under a rock, or relying on WeaponsMan for all your daily news (not recommended… like the Pizza Diet), you’ve probably heard that an NRA pro plugged himself during training at the organization’s Fairfax, VA headquarters’ indoor range.

An employee suffered a minor injury when he accidentally discharged a firearm at the on-site gun range of the National Rifle Association headquarters near Fairfax.

The employee was participating in firearms training at the gun range at 3:30 p.m. Wednesday, according to Fairfax County police.

The man, 46, was holstering a pistol when the firearm discharged. He was taken to the hospital for a minor wound to the lower body.

Love that passive voice. “it discharged.” Yeah, that’s the ticket. “There I was, officer, mindin’ my own business, when that there FARR-arm up an’ started DISS-chargin’ issef. Don’t go doubtin’ me: I am a expert!”

A friend reminds us that expert comes from ex- , “former”,  and spurt, “a drip under pressure.”

We’ll just remind you that beginners often know that they’re beginners, and exercise a salutary caution around deadly firearms. “Experts” get complacent. Don’t get complacent; it can happen to you, and that’s how.

Item 8 April: But He Said It Wasn’t Loaded Dep’t

Teenagers playing with a gun. What could possibly go wrong? Well, this:

[17-year-old Chris] Perez was with several other juveniles at a gathering at a home in the 3900 block of Orchard Drive. Pennsylvania State Police at  Fogelsville said several juveniles were involved when a gun went off about 3:40 p.m. Saturday.

Perez’s aunt told The Morning Call that her nephew was hanging out with friends when one pulled out a hunting rifle and started showing it around.

[She] reportedly said the teens were passing the rifle back and forth to one another when her nephew asked if the rifle was loaded, and was told no. He was then somehow shot in the stomach, the aunt told The Morning Call.

Rushed to the hospital after the panicking kids finally called 911, where he died. No charges, at least, not yet.

Neighbors told 69 News WFMZ-TV that they saw a group of kids running back and forth from the home right before police arrived.

Geez, they’re too young to understand that old news doesn’t get better with age, and hiding witnesses or evidence never hides ’em for long.

Item 21 Mar: Stupid Is As Stupid Does

This one’s a lot like the mishap above, only with adults, in Mississippi. Local paper:

Chief Deputy Ward Calhoun said the men were showing each other their guns in the residence and one forgot the check the loaded gun when it was passed back to him. The man didn’t realize the chamber of the gun, which operated similar to a Glock, had been pulled back.

Ah, reporters. Where would we be without them? “The chamber of the gun, which operated similar to a Glock, had been pulled back.” What fresh glockenspiel is this? On the other hand, as annoying as they are, it wasn’t one of them that did this: 

When he attempted to pull the trigger to check the gun it went off, accidentally shooting another man in the back.

The guy is expected to recover. No word on how he’s getting along with the back-shootin’ polecat that gunned him down.

And one more thing: perhaps it’s a factor that this event occurred some time after 0200? Color us cynical, but we detect a whiff of Judgment Juice™.

Meanwhile, in Chicongo

HeyJackass.com reports that the criminal contingent hasn’t had a single “selfie” ND… all month. There were two each in January, February and March, and April is still young. And it’s impossible to know if any of the 155 shot and killed and 702 shot and wounded there so far in 2017 were NDs (and yes, these numbers are subject to change — in one direction, anyway).

15 thoughts on “A Mess of Accidents, April’s Fools 2017

  1. Jim Scrummy

    Heh, one the NRAHQ range contractor’s had a hard time following the 4 rules? Go figure…since most of their RSOs have a holier than thou attitude toward us regular joes. Karma can hurt sometimes. I guess I will go somewhere else for my next range session.

  2. LSWCHP

    I reckon your second amendment should be modifed to include something like “…shall not be infringed unless you’re an idiot or an asshole, in which case no guns for you.”

    There are so many videos on Youtube showing acts of breathtaking danger and stupidity being performed with guns, and I always think those goddamned idiots should never ever be allowed anywhere near machinery of any sort let alone firearms. They just give us people of the gun a bad name.

    1. Clarence Chen

      ‘I reckon your second amendment should be modified to include something like “…shall not be infringed unless you’re an idiot or an asshole, in which case no guns for you.”” That does run into that dastardly slippery slope though.

    2. bloke_from_ohio

      I get the idea, but slopes being slippery I must respond to the idea thusly (with no personal malice intended):

      FUCK OFF SLAVER!

      1. LSWCHP

        Slaver? Huh?

        Are there any circumstances under which you’d be prepared to say “That person should be denied access to firearms”? If I understand correctly, the US legal system already does that with felons.

        I’m asking seriously because I believe that rights come with responsibilities. The right to own firearms (IMHO) comes with the responsibility to be trained in their use and to use them wisely.

  3. Combat Adj

    Here’s another one I just saw linked on Drudge:

    “Teen accidentally kills himself as friends watch on Instagram Live”

    1. Hognose Post author

      That’s probably this one:
      https://nypost.com/2017/04/12/teen-accidentally-kills-himself-on-instagram-live-as-friends-watch/
      Looks like he had hit Age 13 and his parents weren’t cool any more, but his “friends” online, and the gangbangers in music videos, were.

      Four Rules failure in the Spatter Pattern range.

      “A tough teacher is Experience, who gives the exam before the lesson.” Hognose corollary: “You can’t learn much from blowing your damn fool head off.”

        1. Hognose Post author

          Some people can. I’m not sure if the sort of people who blow their fool heads off are those kinds of people.

  4. Steve

    How does one just pull out a hunting rifle? It’s not like they can be made inconspicuous. Hey, is that a hunting rifle, or are you just happy to see us?

    Kids need to be taught gun safety. But unfortunately, there are no guarantees they’ll practice what they’ve been taught. As we know, to many adults who should know better are being stupid.

    1. John Distai

      Some of us are trying. I just read my children this column to help drive home other points I’ve mentioned.

  5. nick

    You know it’s sad that a 13 year old had to die from being an idiot.
    Take a hard look at the parents,seriously.

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