When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Donuts (& Pancakes!)

A man who was “willing to try anything” tried a donut-eating contest last weekend. In Denver, where Colorado’s governor John Hickenlooper has saved his subjects’ lives by outlawing various guns.

BLUF: The donut won.

It was a matter of size, not number: a contestant has 1 min 20 sec to eat a donut, which seems plenty, until you see the donut: a half-pound monster that looks like a deep fried and glazed truck tire.

A 42-year-old Colorado man attempting to complete a doughnut-eating challenge died Sunday after choking on a giant pastry. Witnesses said Travis Malouff, of Denver, was participating in Voodoo Doughnut’s 80-second half-pound doughnut challenge before his death, KUSA-TV reported.

Not surprisingly, the donut chain has, er, killed, the promotional event, which they called the Tex-ass Donut Challenge. (The Oregon-based chain, which has expanded to several other hipster-rich states,  seems to be expressing contempt for the Lone Star State and its reputation for gigantism in all things).

Back to the original article:

“It’s tragic,” Curtis Malouff, Travis’ father, told KUSA-TV. “It’s a loss of life that shouldn’t be.”

Forrest Gump’s mama was not available for comment.

But we do note that even if Travis Malouff had won his stupid game, the stupid prize was a free meal at the donut shop, and a button that says you won the Tex-ass Donut Challenge.

Stupid prize? Well, unlike Animal Mother’s famous Word Worth Dying For, it’s not worth dying for, is it?

Witnesses told the news outlet that at people in the shop at the time tried to help Malouff when they realized he was choking, but nobody knew how to properly perform the Heimlich maneuver.

“They tried so hard to do everything,” an unidentified witness told KUSA-TV. “It was clear that nobody was trained and they were just reacting. You [have to] do something, I think.”

Paramedics arrived but were unable to revive Malouff, who died from asphyxia due to obstruction of the airway, the Denver Office of the Medical Examiner announced on Monday.

In the past, when donuts have killed, it’s generally been a matter of mass quantities over long periods, leaving the victim’s cardiologist on the stage to give the “Alas, poor Yorick” speech. But in this case, it was just one donut.

It seems like a one-off freak accident, but the ever-vigilant press sees A Pattern Emerging:

Malouff’s death occurred on the same day that a 20-year-old student in Connecticut died after participating in a pancake-eating contest. Caitlin Nelson, of Clark, New Jersey, had been eating four or five pancakes during a March 30 challenge before collapsing to the floor. She was rushed to a nearby hospital before being transferred to New York-Presbyterian/Columbia University Medical Center, where she later died.

“It’s a tragic event that started out as something fun,” Fairfield police Lt. Bob Kalamaras said of Nelson’s death. “It was just a tragic accident.

Returning to the original decedent, Travis Malouff, some heartless folks are Blaming the Victim.

“It’s too much food for one person, even as the size that he was,” Julia Edelstein, a witness, told the news outlet. “That’s too much for someone to eat. He was trying to force it down.”

Curtis Malouff said his son will be remembered for his smile and laugh, and his willingness to try anything.

“If a challenge is there — he’d probably take it,” he said, according to KUSA-TV.

via Denver man dies while attempting doughnut-eating challenge | Fox News.

 

22 thoughts on “When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Donuts (& Pancakes!)

  1. James

    Man,silly deaths this week,donut dude/poor girl who hopped trolley tracks for cell phone(I was there would have stopped her,hell,I would have lied and said I buy her a new phone,knew transit could retrieve it safely),sometimes human activity makes me wonder about our long term chances as a species.

  2. Ti

    I can’t believe a doughnut shop doesn’t know the heimlick or however it is said maneuver. They shoulda called the green cross and not the red cross ambulance!

    Good donuts too!

  3. Mike_C

    > they realized he was choking, but nobody knew how to properly perform the Heimlich maneuver
    Sigh. Poor bastard.
    You know, all these eating contests, especially the meat-eating ones, could be won handily by an ordinary 50+-lb dog over any human person I can think of.

    In local news, less than an hour from Hog Manor the Manchester, NH restaurant Chez Vachon has a poutine-eating challenge. Five pounds of fried potatoes, cheese curds, and gravy. Get around that in under 60 minutes and 1) it’s free, 2) they put your photo up on the wall of the restaurant, 3) you get a T-shirt. Don’t win and you cough up $24 (and maybe what poutine you did get down). Food there is good in a neighborhood diner way. I think I’m 30 years too old and unfit to try that poutine challenge though. Had my first ever Voodoo doughnut (in PDX) almost exactly a month ago, incidentally. Good, but not that good.

    1. John M.

      Did the cardiologist just recommend eating five pounds of poutine? [scratches head]

      -John M.

      1. Mike_C

        Gotta drum up business somehow.

        >Being able to do a functional field tracheotomy
        I think I learned the basic idea* as a kid from an episode of M*A*S*H — when Fr Mulcahy got talked through the procedure via radio by one of the surgeons. Saved some kid’s life using a pocket knife and part of a ballpoint pen. In my usual tangent, I’ll note that Tom Simon (bondwine.com) has an excellent series of essays about M*A*S*H, the art of writing, and Alan Alda’s psycho-political asshattery. Well worth reading.

        *which is hella different from actually doing one, which I haven’t ever

        1. John M.

          Shoot, the last time I bought a pack of camels I had to feed and board those things for months until I could find somebody to unload them on. “Buy a pack of young camels,” the guy said, “turn them around and sell them at a profit a year later,” the guy said. Yeah, right.

          I slaughtered one for the meat, and let me tell you, that was a mess. Plus we were drowning in camel meat for months. Camel steaks, camel roast, camel burger, camel meatballs, camel soup, camel dumplings, camel ice cream, camel soda, camel oatmeal; it was like a Saudi wedding for nine months. It saved on the grocery budget, but that’s about all that can be said for that little experiment.

          And the spitting! Don’t get me started on the spitting. Even the neighbors complained about it.

          -John M.

          1. Haxo Angmark

            when about 8 years old, I found a pack of camels lying by the roadside. . My mom made me smoke them all. Never again.

  4. Cap'n Mike

    I will say it before someone else does.
    A man chokes to death at a Donut shop and their arent a gaggle of cops around to save him???
    No one is safe anywhere.

    Travis Malouff died doing what he loved, I raise my Dunkin Donuts Coffee to you sir.

    The girl that choked on the pancakes? Such a wasted life.

    1. John M.

      They were all out racially profiling dark-skinned people in an attempt to become the nation’s newest viral video star.

      -John M.

  5. bloke_from_ohio

    Not knowing simple first aid stuff like that is sad. I learned the Heimlich when I was a Cub Scout, sometime around 8-10 years old (the effectiveness of a prepubescent child trying it on an adult is another matter, but at least I knew how to do it). They certainly had posters about choking quite a few cafeterias and DFACs I have eaten at.

  6. Aesop

    In the event, knowing the Heimlich maneuver, or even performing it repeatedly, likely wouldn’t have gotten you anywhere.

    Being able to do a functional field tracheotomy with a sharp instrument and a soda straw would, conversely, probably have saved his life.

    And frankly, saving someone that stupid may be considered a form of sociopathy in and of itself, unless you just needed the hands-on practice.

  7. Ti

    It would be interesting to know the demographic’s of Roman vomitoria death’s? Surely aspiration pneumonia, slips, trips, and falls?

  8. archy

    As with so many things in this life: sometimes you get the donut, sometimes the donut gets you.

  9. John Distai

    The article mentions that the donut shop is on East Colfax. In my youth, “East Colfax” was this mythical road that you never wanted to find yourself on. When I was older, I did find myself on it, and certainly got the hell out of there before any harm befell me.

    That was over 20 years ago. Does East Colfax still have that reputation?

    1. Ti

      John,

      Good ?? Remember history of E Colfax Ave. To wit: Fitzimons Army Med Center, Lowry AFB, Buckley AFB – E. Colfax is that typical seedy enviro right outside of the main gate any large mil installation USA. This one happens to be the city of Aurora – GI town of the Northern Rockies. CO springs on south side.

      Flood of folks in here now. Gentrification has happened, legal weed keeps a lot of undermunchen alive now, that and a lot of sunshine!

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