When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Lycanthropy

All we can say is, where is Owen Zastava Pitt when you need him? Because we’re about to hear about Man’s Inhumanity to Man (well, Woman), Translupine Edition.

The IB Times has a story that would be News of the Weird and Supernatural — if it weren’t for the homicide that tipped it into the Crime column,

A Washington man accused of stabbing his mother to death told police he did so because he was a werewolf and she was a vampire. Sheaen Smith, 29, has been charged with the second-degree murder of his 57-year-old mother Aurora Buol-Smith after her body was found at her home in the 1500 block of McKenzie Avenue on 5 February.

Emergency services responded to a 911 distress call made by Smith. During the call, Smith made series of statements, including allegedly admitting “I stabbed her.” He also made a number of “delusional” claims on the phone, such as claiming he stabbed his mother because he was a werewolf and she was a vampire – a statement he allegedly repeated when officers found him in the bedroom of the house.

Hey, if some guy says he’s a werewolf, why not just believe him? A couple of silver bullets and the taxpayers have been saved a lot of expense. (Although some say any bullet will do).

A knife, which was thought to have been used in the murder, was also recovered from the scene.

While appearing at Whatcom Superior Court to face the charges, Chief Criminal Deputy Prosecutor Eric Richey said Smith had been released from St Joseph hospital following a drug-induced psychosis a matter of days before his mother was killed.

Yeah, what do you think led to that release? Pick one:

  1. He was cured by the medical laying-on of hands!
  2. His 72 days of Medicaid psych coverage was used up and they wouldn’t get paid to treat him any longer;
  3. The ACLU was about to sue for mean ol’ St. Joe’s Hospital denying him his civil rights;
  4. The howling was disturbing the other patients in the nut ward;
  5. So, he identifies as a werewolf, what’s the problem? There’s no room for H8rs in modern headpshrinking.

Paging Mr. Pitt. Mr. Pitt to Accounting, please.

Richey added: “The defendant admitted to police that he’s been using a lot of meth recently, which is the reason for the voices in his head,” reported the Bellingham Herald.

Meth! Is there anything it can’t do?

We dunno about you, but the voices in our head say, “Don’t take meth. Don’t even think about it.” Guess we just got a better batch of voices than Wolf Cub here.

A Bellingham Police spokesperson said: “Officers and firefighters responded to a welfare check at a residence in the 1500 block of McKenzie Avenue, in response to a 911 call. When emergency personnel arrived shortly after 2:00 pm, they located a deceased female. The female was identified as 57-year-old Aurora Buol-Smith.

The mark of the modern American narcissus, the hyphenated name, seems to be slashed across every single story of horror, degeneracy, and depravity these days. It’s OK if you’re the sort of Briton who has great-great-x-20 Uncle Nigel’s suits of armor in the foyer, but here in the States, the first-generation hyphen hunter tends to be damaged goods… even before the more-damaged kids they raised go all werewolf on ’em.

“Sheaen Smith was located and contacted by responding officers in an upstairs bedroom of the residence. Smith made several statements, including one to the effect of ‘I stabbed her.’ Smith identified the deceased female as his mother, and told officers he had called 911.

“Smith was transported to the police department for an interview. Based on information provided by Smith, a knife was located in the residence. Detectives believe the knife they located is the one that was used to stab Buol-Smith.

“Smith made numerous statements to officers and detectives regarding why he stabbed Buol-Smith. This includes a statement that he was a werewolf, and his mother a vampire.

“Detectives and crime scene investigators will continue to work closely with the medical examiner and the prosecutor’s office on this case.”

Bellingham Police also tweeted that “sexual motivation” resulted in Buol-Smith’s murder. However, investigations are still containing as to whether this conclusion arrived due to similar delusional statements from Smith. An autopsy result will determine if Buol-Smith was sexually assaulted before she was killed.

via Man who thought he was a werewolf ‘murdered mother because she was a vampire’.

Jesus, again. We were ready to call him a mofo already, without knowing it may literally apply.

Really, if he were a dog the humane thing would be to put him down at this point.

25 thoughts on “When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Lycanthropy

  1. Aesop

    1) Lyncanthropy is a real medical diagnosis. I know this because back before administration got their panties in a wad over such things, I used to enter a fake patient (Landon, Michael or Chaney, Lon, e.g.) or two into the ER tracker board, with that chief complaint, on Halloween, and /or April 1st.
    It only indicates that the patient thinks he’s a werewolf. Do hirsutism, fangs, or claws are required.
    Average time to detection by medical staff was around 35 minutes, record was 1 hr 10 minutes.
    Things are slow at 2 AM, and you do what you can to keep people on their toes. And self-amuse.
    2) Meth is not your friend. Ever.
    3) Committing murder while in a meth-induced psychosis is grounds for getting the chair, lethal injection, or LWOPed.
    But if, instead, a team of London Special Branch squaddies show up to Armalite someone’s ass up for that to the tune of several magazine’s worth, I’d be just as tickled.
    If someone conversant with the ’80s cult classic Monster Squad shoves a bundle of lit dynamite sticks in his pants because “Wolfman’s got nards!”, bonus points for retro coolness.
    If someone drives an oaken stake through his legal counsel’s alleged heart, because they are actual vampires on society, score triple bonus points.

    1. John M.

      Last night I saw Lon Chaney, Jr. walking with the queen.

      Speaking of which, maybe you should add Zevon, Warren to your repertoire of patients suffering from lycanthropy.

      -John M.

      1. Hognose Post author

        Unfortunately, Zevon, W., is suffering from expiration. He did get two or three albums of great stuff out of the grim experience of dying of cancer.

        I went to the doctor
        I asked him what was up
        Said, “Let me break it to you, son.
        “Your shit’s fucked up.”
        I said, “My shit’s fucked up?
        “Well I don’t know how!”
        He said, “The shit that used to work,
        “It don’t work now.”

        RIP, WZ. SF will remember you forever for Roland.

        1. DaveP.

          Warren Zevon was America’s bard. Losers like Springsteen and Mellencamp only thought they were.

          1. Hanzo

            Indeed.

            “Better stay away from him
            He’ll rip your lungs out, Jim
            I’d like to meet his tailor”

            That is priceless!

        2. John M.

          “Send lawyers, guns and money/Dad, get me out of this.” Not that they’ll do Chaney, Landon or Zevon any good at this point.

          -John M.

  2. Eric

    I KNOW you were not inferring that dogs need to be put down before crims… so I will say this on that: ANY dog… mad, foaming at the mouth, ass biter, leg peer, butt sniffer, sock robber, Et Alia, is a much better soul than any crim ever aspired to be without a gun… so when pop-up targets like this crim come up… firers, watch your lane :D

  3. Scott

    Let’s see, un-armed, 57yo lady, and you’re a werewolf.

    Why would you, a werewolf, need a knife?

    Sorry, I’m applying logic.

  4. Ken

    It took me a while to figure out why the picture of the nice John Paul rifle. : )

  5. Sabrina Chase

    If you are not familiar with Larry Correia’s work, this is the opening line of “Monster Hunter International”:

    “On one otherwise normal Tuesday evening I had the chance to live the American dream. I was able to throw my incompetent jackass of a boss from a fourteenth-story window.”

    (aforementioned boss having developed lycanthropy, if you were wondering about the tie-in). Larry is also a huge gun enthusiast and got started selling his book at gun stores :-) He writes Good Stuff, and is absolutely hilarious in person.

    1. 11B-Mailclerk

      Ever watch a horror/slasher movie, and think: “Movie over in 10 minutes! I grease the SOB with my ‘burglar gun’ AR-15.”?

      Yeah. He writes for -us-.

      1. Toastrider

        Mr. Correia is made of awesome. MHI is good, but I honestly think his Grimnoir series (superpowers during the 30s-40s) is even better.

        But yeah, MHI is built on the premise of ‘if you’re going to hunt monsters, don’t go halfway. Go for the gusto.’

  6. LFMayor

    Now good sirs, I will freely admit to being among the last to disparage another mans fantasies and aspirations to werewolfry. Especially having seen a few of those Kate Beckenstiel ( spelling inconsequential) movies where she’s the leather clad vampiress who does the Romeo and Juliet star crossed lovers thing for a werewolf. HepUssLordhepus! But this guy apparently needed to get out in the sun a little more often.

    1. Hognose Post author

      I’m barely aware of Based, who apparently heard today that there’s no charges — yet. However, my recommended weapon for a campus riot is your TV remote, in your comfy chair. St home.

      1. Toastrider

        Yeah, that was kind of my opinion (who the hell tries to hold a Trump rally in BERKELEY, for God’s sake?).

        Although I admit, watching Stickman haul off and belt that one guy had some visceral appeal to it.

      2. Hanzo

        Heh. 20 years ago I would be right there. It’s invigorating, imo, to occasionally see someone really express their beliefs in such a heartfelt manner. I never tire of seeing anarchist momma’s boys getting the old what for handed back to them either.

    2. Mike_C

      In the mean time, for another perspective, consult the Sage of Harm City (at jameslafondDOTcom, relevant entry is for some reason called “Smoke Weed”).

      And our own Aesop has helpful advice in this vein elsewhere today.

  7. John M.

    Didn’t the Nazis cook meth? Has anyone investigated that as a possible cause of the fall of the Third Reich? If nothing else, it would explain why Goebbels was out mowing the lawn at 0300.

    -John M.

    1. Hanzo

      I think they were into whatever Bayer/Schering could cook up for them. I bet it was stiff.

  8. Cap'n Mike

    If she was a Vampire, why did he use a knife?
    I always found a wooden stake works better.

    Larrys stuff is awesome.
    Earl Harbinger is my hero.

  9. Keith

    Huge fan of MHI. Awesome books.

    That guy should be stood before a wall and shot. Plain and simple but you know the lawyers will get him off on psych BS. That happened here in NC back in the 1980’s were a guy walked down a road shooting at cars. Killed (among others) a girl I knew. Said the TV told him to do it.

    Keep your powder dry and your faith in God.

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