When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Hand Sanitizer

strait_jacket_obliqueHey, if guns cause suicide attempts, then hand sanitizer caused this one:

A woman strolled into a U.S. congressman’s Chicago office Tuesday, chugged a bottle of hand sanitizer and then set herself on fire, police said.

The unidentified 43-year-old was seriously burned in the self-inflicted blaze inside U.S. Rep. Danny Davis’ office, but her condition stabilized, the Chicago Tribune reported.

“We really don’t know why,” Davis told the newspaper. “We don’t know her and we don’t know exactly what she may have been coming for.”

In a picture that the New York Daily News ran with the story, Davis looked puzzled, but then, it seems like puzzlement is his default expression. Think of it as the Congressional equivalent of Resting Bitch Face.

Office staffers said the woman spoke briefly with an employee around 3 p.m. in the office’s lobby before she picked up the bottle of disinfectant and started drinking it. She then poured some of the sanitizer on herself and set herself on fire with a lighter.

On the plus side, she was probably really clean just before she burned.

It’s probably cruel to laugh at the mentally ill, but then, we’re cruel, m’kay?

And if you can’t laugh at this, there’s something wrong with you:

Staffers tried to blast the woman with a fire extinguisher, but she ran out of the lobby while still smoldering.

That should answer the question for all you hornballs wondering, “Yes, but was he hot?”

And for those of you who insist that this is serious, we’ll admit that somebody agrees:

The woman was taken to the hospital in serious condition.

Now that’s capital-S Serious!

Lady, when you get out of the hospital, it’s time to claim your starter kit.

catlady_starter_kit

Not available in stores.

2 thoughts on “When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Hand Sanitizer

  1. Mike_C

    >Davis looked puzzled, but then, it seems like puzzlement is his default expression
    Nonsense. That’s deep cogitation of a level of spiritual profundity unimaginable to the knuckle-dragging likes of you and me. Dr Davis has a PhD and personally crowned the soi disant “Messiah” Sun Myung Moon. Plus his congressional district is totally NOT gerrymandered so as to make it reliably Democrat.

    But I think it’s time to ban high-capacity hand sanitizer containers.

  2. Tam

    In a picture that the New York Daily News ran with the story, Davis looked puzzled, but then, it seems like puzzlement is his default expression. Think of it as the Congressional equivalent of Resting Bitch Face.

    Oh, well-played, sir!

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