When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Octopodes

Octopus: best not swallowed whole.

Octopus: best not swallowed whole.

(Yeah, we’re one of the holdouts for the original Greek plural. Most correct in English is likely Octopuses, but we got your attention, didn’t we?)

In any event, an octopus seems to have been used as a weapon in a homicidal assault in Wichita. (Octopus? Wichita? We’ll get to the culinary faux pas in a bit. Focus). The mom’s boyfriend — we note that these crumbs are hardly ever husbands, why is that? — stuffed the rubbery critter into Junior’s throat while mom was out, in an apparent attempt to solve Fermat’s Last Pesky Kid Problem, or something. Local TV:

A 2-year-old boy hospitalized after a small octopus became wedged in this throat showed signs of improvement Thursday as the investigation pressed on, Wichita police said.

The boy, who was brought in to the hospital on Tuesday night, has been upgraded to good condition, is in “a very delicate situation” and shows no immediate symptoms of long-term injury caused by oxygen deprivation to the brain, police Lt. James Espinoza told the Wichita Eagle

The kid has a chance. One’s ability to endure periods of oxygen deprivation declines with age, but is quite astounding in early childhood. It’s all down to how long the poor bastard was trying to breathe octopus instead of free air, a number that is unfortunately, from the standpoint of pure Science, unknowable.

The toddler’s mother told police she returned from work to find her boyfriend giving the child CPR. The boy was not breathing.

Well, having a rubbery stopper in your windpipe will do that, ten times out of ten. This appears to have been the time where he might have mentioned the octopus, if everything was on the up-and-up.

According to ABC affiliate, KAKE, EMS rushed the toddler to a hospital where doctors found and removed the dead octopus – its head about 2 inches in diameter – from the toddler’s throat.

It’s unclear whether the octopus was alive on it’s trip down the That’ll Shut Him Up hole, or whether this is a case of mollusc as well as child abuse.

Police said the octopus was not a family pet and likely was to be used for sushi.

As the old friend who sent this — a chef of some talent — asked in the following text exchange:


Seriously, when in Wichita, order the steak. You can’t go wrong.

Anyway, the hospital thought there was something fishy about the whole story of Junior swallowing Ock while home alone with the boyfriend, one Matthew Gallagher, and dropped a dime on Gallagher to the local flatfeet, who investigated, charged, and arrested the man.

The hospital notified police after the 36-year-old boyfriend’s account about how the boy swallowed the octopus and sustained minor injuries to his face were inconsistent with the evidence, Espinoza said.

via Octopus found lodged in boy’s throat in suspected child abuse case | abc7.com.

And they just lay that out there, “and sustained minor injuries to his face.” Sure, maybe the octopus did it.

One hopes for a speedy recovery for the kid. As for Gallagher, the revolving door courts have already set him free to hurt people again, while pending trial.

No word on whether he has been ordered not to possess aquatic mollusks while under arraignment; it’s probably not in the usual You Got Bail!™ boilerplate.

9 thoughts on “When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Octopodes

  1. DSM

    Hmm, I always thought the plural was just octopi. There’s my lesson learned for the day.

  2. archy

    ***Seriously, when in Wichita, order the steak. You can’t go wrong.***

    Having spent a little time around McConnell Air Force Base near Wichita, I can tell you
    that’s not at all so. Besides, you’ll do better at Reba’s Restaurant on Main St. in nearby Newton instead. Ask Reba or her husband Lander [helluva guitar player and not too shabby on the banjo, either] what’s good.

  3. Kirk

    This just goes to provide more evidence to support my theory that, while it is possible for unrelated males to serve as good fathers to children not their own, it’s all too often not the way to bet.

    Based on observation, I suspect that there’s a bunch of stuff going on, in terms of pheromones and hormonal signals, between a man and a woman while she is pregnant. Every single one of my guys who was separated from his wife for significant time while pregnant seemed to demonstrate a marked difference in “fatherly” behavior from the guys who’d been there the whole time, and who’d been treated to the entire experience of dealing with a pregnant woman. And, I’m going to go further out on a limb, and suggest that there may be something to this whole “attachment disorder” thing, when applied to fathers in the military who were never able to be around while the wives were pregnant and/or raising the resulting toddlers.

    Every one of the guys I knew as single bachelors and who I’d looked at and said, “Man, he’s never gonna grow up and be a good father…” underwent metamorphosis into great fathers, so long as they were around mama during the pregnancies. What the hell is going on there, I don’t know, but I saw more guys grow up and become men I’d have never projected, once they’d had that experience. Guys that didn’t have that, never seemed to change, until they did get it.

    Just an observation. I’m thinking that there’s a hell of a lot more going on with regards to human behavior than we’ve been willing to admit might source from things like pheromone signals, and so forth. Hell, I’d go so far as to suggest that there’s crap getting passed between sex partners who exchange fluids, and that there are likely some psychologically affective compounds we’re screwing up with female birth control hormones. You keep an eye on couples that are dating, and then marry, and have half a clue what they’re doing for birth control, you can see it. Sometimes. Other times, not so much. I wouldn’t require a lot of convincing, were someone to produce thesis and data, with regards to this.

    1. ToastieTheCoastie

      There is a study that shows men who live with pregnant women produce more estrogen. So there’s a partial confirmation of your theories right there.

    2. ToastieTheCoastie

      And as far as fluids exchanged during sex, I believe there is recent research that shows women actually incorporate semen from sex partners somehow. Funny how science confirms “backwards” traditions constantly, in this case that virgins make the best wives.

      1. Kirk

        Dunno… I’m ambivalent on the whole “virgin” thing, mostly because if you really want to restrict yourself to that category as a young man, the field is awfully narrow.

        But, I’m fully convinced that there’s a metric ton more going on than merely poking and moaning, with sexual relations. Just at the level of oxytocin stimulation alone, there’s a lot happening, and I think that there is far more to what is going on than we even begin to realize. Ever note how older couples tend to look an awful lot alike, and can finish each others sentences, in really good and long-lasting marriages? Yeah…

        I’m also going to go out on a limb and suggest that birth control via hormones is a really bad idea, and that in several hundred years, or maybe even less, we’re going to look back on today’s use of them much as we look at the Roman’s use of lead in making all the crap they used it for, including that grape syrup they used as their most common sweetener.

        My guess is, based on observation, is that there’s a hell of a lot going on with the fluids exchanged during sex, and that men are not-so-subtly influenced by pheromone signalling that they’re not even aware of–As are women.

        There was a blind study done at a university, once, where they had a bunch of male students wear a t-shirt for a couple of days, without use of deodorant or artificial perfumes. That shirt was then used to assess what female students thought about their attraction to the wearers–And, it turned out that when the women ranked the male shirts, they’d somehow “magically” selected all the most histologically compatible ones to their own biochemistry.

        We’re slaves to our biology, folks: Live with it.

  4. Bibliotheca Servare

    “As for Gallagher, the revolving door courts have already set him free to hurt people again, while pending trial.”
    I’m not sure I grasp your point. Would you prefer that people charged with a crime be treated as if they’d been tried and convicted? Child abuse is a monstrous crime, legally and morally, but the State has no business punishing people who haven’t even been convicted of a crime. No, relying on the State for protection from bad, evil people is a recipe for horror, death, and tyranny, even if successful, which it never really is. The “ten guilty men” principle isn’t just a nice platitude. It’s nice to think that if the Courts had even *more* power than they already have to strip citizens of their rights with barely even a hat-tip to due process, that power wouldn’t be abused, but I’m pretty sure no one thinks that…right? Better “revolving door courts” than “prosecutorial discretion” that amounts to a blank check to imprison folks that the judge or prosecutor think[s] ought to be locked up. Due process that amounts to a judge deciding whether he/she *feels* you are too dangerous to be allowed to walk free pending trial is no due process at all. Or maybe you disagree? Perhaps every time an anti-gun nut calls 911, and reports a “dangerous” person with a gun, and it’s in an anti-gun region (with a hoplophobic prosecutor), the “dangerous” person should be kept in jail until their fate is decided in a trial? I’m tired, so maybe I’m just babbling nonsense… God bless. :-)

  5. Docduracoat

    You have a valid point there, bibliotheca.
    Every single doctor I know, including me, had the divorcing wife make false reports to the police.
    My ex called the local police all 14 days in a row of my child visitation with knowingly false reports of child abuse.
    The same cops responded 3 of the 14 times
    ” we have to take it seriously” we have to investigate every one” ” it is a secret who is calling”
    I had to start paying to send the child support thru the state instead of just handing it to her due to her repeated reports of domestic violence.
    I had to video the child hand over due to the same.
    So, locking them up until trial can be problematic no matter how bad it sounds on the police report.
    There are no consequences to the woman for making repeated false reports.
    The courts are biased in favor of the woman.
    The above perpetrator, if convicted, should be executed.

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