(Yeah, we’re one of the holdouts for the original Greek plural. Most correct in English is likely Octopuses, but we got your attention, didn’t we?)
In any event, an octopus seems to have been used as a weapon in a homicidal assault in Wichita. (Octopus? Wichita? We’ll get to the culinary faux pas in a bit. Focus). The mom’s boyfriend — we note that these crumbs are hardly ever husbands, why is that? — stuffed the rubbery critter into Junior’s throat while mom was out, in an apparent attempt to solve Fermat’s Last Pesky Kid Problem, or something. Local TV:
A 2-year-old boy hospitalized after a small octopus became wedged in this throat showed signs of improvement Thursday as the investigation pressed on, Wichita police said.
The boy, who was brought in to the hospital on Tuesday night, has been upgraded to good condition, is in “a very delicate situation” and shows no immediate symptoms of long-term injury caused by oxygen deprivation to the brain, police Lt. James Espinoza told the Wichita Eagle
The kid has a chance. One’s ability to endure periods of oxygen deprivation declines with age, but is quite astounding in early childhood. It’s all down to how long the poor bastard was trying to breathe octopus instead of free air, a number that is unfortunately, from the standpoint of pure Science, unknowable.
The toddler’s mother told police she returned from work to find her boyfriend giving the child CPR. The boy was not breathing.
Well, having a rubbery stopper in your windpipe will do that, ten times out of ten. This appears to have been the time where he might have mentioned the octopus, if everything was on the up-and-up.
According to ABC affiliate, KAKE, EMS rushed the toddler to a hospital where doctors found and removed the dead octopus – its head about 2 inches in diameter – from the toddler’s throat.
It’s unclear whether the octopus was alive on it’s trip down the That’ll Shut Him Up hole, or whether this is a case of mollusc as well as child abuse.
Police said the octopus was not a family pet and likely was to be used for sushi.
As the old friend who sent this — a chef of some talent — asked in the following text exchange:
Seriously, when in Wichita, order the steak. You can’t go wrong.
Anyway, the hospital thought there was something fishy about the whole story of Junior swallowing Ock while home alone with the boyfriend, one Matthew Gallagher, and dropped a dime on Gallagher to the local flatfeet, who investigated, charged, and arrested the man.
The hospital notified police after the 36-year-old boyfriend’s account about how the boy swallowed the octopus and sustained minor injuries to his face were inconsistent with the evidence, Espinoza said.
And they just lay that out there, “and sustained minor injuries to his face.” Sure, maybe the octopus did it.
One hopes for a speedy recovery for the kid. As for Gallagher, the revolving door courts have already set him free to hurt people again, while pending trial.
No word on whether he has been ordered not to possess aquatic mollusks while under arraignment; it’s probably not in the usual You Got Bail!™ boilerplate.