When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Condom Machines

At first, this looked like a real whodunit to the police investigating a bizarre crime in Germany. The evidence? Reports of an explosion, and a shattered condom machine. Someone must have really needed a condom urgently, and been out of cash?

blown up condom machine

Officers were alerted to the explosion Friday in Schoeppingen, near the Dutch border, and found cash and condom packets lying on the ground apparently untouched.

A local hospital informed police that a 29-year-old had died after being brought in by two other men. They initially said he had fallen down stairs, but police said Monday one of them later admitted the victim’s injuries were related to the explosion.

They say the three men apparently got into a car after triggering the explosion, but the 29-year-old didn’t close his door and was hit by debris when the machine exploded.

via Germany: Man dies after blowing up condom machine | News, Weather, Sports, Breaking News | KOMO.

In German practice, none of the perps are identified by name, not even the deader. Explosion looks like a small improvised explosive, and it makes us wonder if (1) someone has been reading Inspire or Dabiq, and, (2) if therefore this is one of those new immigrants bring diverse vibrancy to the vibrant diversity that is Germany.

Trust us on this: you will really, really not like the Germans if you get them all wound up. True, we taught them a lesson in 1918 and they’ve been mostly at ease since then, with a few exceptions here and there….

20 thoughts on “When Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Condom Machines

    1. morokko

      Weird as it may sound but i do not suspect the religion of peace to be involved since they do not forbid to use rubbers, although also not encourage it either in everyday marriage chores. But rubbers do come in handy, when pious muslim dude wants to enjoy certain spoils of jihad, even underage ones. Funny, but in Poland in early 90-s we had pretty loud anti-condom and anti-porn movement, officially endorsed by the priests, picketing outside newly established sex shops and news stands that sold nookie beaver books, with occasional brick throwing at the sinful windows. Nothing too extreme, as the ranks of godly warriors consisted mostly of old ladies. So perhaps it was born again Bubba(Fritz)-the-Sapper, or maybe they were honest criminals testing some kind of homemade breaching device, like ones used to break ATMs? Or just plain slow witted Fritz playing with popular New Year “feuerwerk”?

      1. Hognose Post author

        It’s a vending machine. Occam’s Razor says there’s money in it, therefore the amateur demolitionists were probably blowing it up for the Euro coins inside.

  1. Mr. AR-10

    What’s up with condom machine on the side of the road anyway… don’t they have Walgreens on every street corner over there in Germany?

    1. Matt in IL

      Probably now a Walgreen, as from my understanding it’s Jewish owned. May not be a geographic market they are looking to get into.

      1. Mr. AR-10

        I didn’t know that.

        At first read I made that comment mostly in snarkiness, but on thinking this through more it seems all but certain this has to be Aloha Snackbar related. If you are German and are badly in need of one of these things, blowing up a machine makes no sense at all. Perhaps a German youth might be out and about with his friends blowing things up for fun.. but even that seems unlikely (they don’t really have those kind of rednecks over there do they?) and anyway this was not a youth, the one who got blowed up was 30.

        What possible reason would a group of 3 men in their 30s have for blowing up a condom machine? And what demographic group of 30 year old men would be most likely to know how to blow up condom machines using IEDs?

        I see only one sensible answer.

        When you put this all together, it’s just surreal. This man gave his life in order to deprive Germans from being able to stop at the side of the road to pick up condoms, forcing them to go off at the corner Rite Aid instead.

        Good gravy.

    2. Cap'n Mike

      While stationed in Kaiserslautern in the early 90s, I used to see prostitutes sitting in their cars on the side of the road with the interior light waiting for customers. The roadside condom machines are probably meant for them.

      Wish I had thought of that. ;)

  2. Bill T

    It would be a hell of a note if the 4th Reich started up because someone blew up a roadside condom machine. “Heil Trojan!”

  3. Tobse

    There is a wave of attacks on ATMs, ticket vending machines etc. in Germany that started a year or two ago. Typically, the machines are filled with flammable gas, and once the right air /gas mixture is reached, it is ignited. Apparently, this gives access to the cash inside in many cases, and is done professionally by organized groups. My guess would be that the Condomat guys were inspired by those groups, but not exactly rocket scientists. Darwin award material, maybe?

    1. Hognose Post author

      Ah, didn’t know this. Makes sense, you get a stoichiometric mixture of fuel and air and you’re one spark away from reenacting TWA 800 (and about eight other Boeing transports over the years). FOOM! Deflagration, not detonation, but the difference is not of great consequence to anybody too close to the bang.

      The damage even resembles (slightly) the blown-up half-scale center wing fuel tank that the Explosion Dynamics Laboratory at CalTech used in that mishap investigation. I had been thinking it was something like TATP, but TATP or any high explosive would have left some telltales in the wreckage that are not apparent in the photo.

  4. Paul Rain

    I done some research and found some names (under the assumption that while the international and national media would suppress any ‘ethnic’ names, the locals would probably include them). Keywords, ‘kondom’, and ‘schoeppingen’.

    Haven’t found any mention of the names of the two accomplices, but it seems the dead man was an ‘Aleksej E.’ Almost certainly not a ‘German-German’, but probably a Slavic refugee/economic immigrant of some sort. I did wonder if he could have been a Albanian, but I understand they use more kebab-y names- the only Aleksej’s you’re likely to see coming out of that region are Serbians forced out of their homeland of Kosovo by the NATO-supported Islamocide of their people.

    http://www.blick.ch/news/ausland/er-starb-weil-er-das-kondom-kleingeld-wollte-automaten-sprenger-29-hinterlaesst-tochter-6-id4504621.html

  5. Mike_C

    “the 29-year-old didn’t close his door and was hit by debris when the [condom] machine exploded.”

    You know how there are those photos of a straw driven through a tree trunk, or a wood dowel stuck into the side of a brick house, due to a tornado? I have this horrific yet hilarious mental picture of his buddies bringing this unconscious guy into the ER with penetrating cranial injury — multiple packets of condoms partially embedded in his head — and telling the skeptical triage nurse, “Um, he … fell down some stairs.”

  6. LSWCHP

    I concur with Hognose about the wisdo of not riling the Germans. It may be too late though, as things seem to be turning ugly there already.

    I wonder how the German government and the general population would, separately, react to a Paris style massacre in Berlin? I reckon that the local Peaceful Religionists would actually start to undergo some of the backlash they rave on about after each atrocity, and they’d likely get it hot and strong, in that special German way.

    1. morokko

      I dont know about that. To me Germans as a nation always were almost inseparable from the very idea of government and law – ordnung muss sein, rechtstaat, staatspolizei – often of geheime persuasion, and so on. They could have problems to conceive how to act independently and beyond the boundaries of their laws, especially after 50 years of mental conditioning. On the other hand, I am not sure, if I prefer Germans in jackboots or Peaceful Religionists knocking at my door. While Religionists are mostly half witted wannabes offing each other as much as the kuffar, Germans tend to be frighteningly well organized and their efficiency hampered only by their fondness for bureaucracy. Nuclear weapons could come in handy in case of “Deutschland Erwache Remastered”. Would be a great shame to hear the same songs again after half a century of peace.

      1. Hognose Post author

        There are some German tendencies that even Germans make fun of… there’s a word, Rechthaberisch, that I’m not sure if I can put into English but it describes the rather common German type who will continue into a an intersection to certain collision with a cement truck because, by Bismarck, he has the right of way.

        You’re also spot on about the amazing German facility with red tape. Like the Irish love of drink, it seems to be God’s way of keeping them from ruling the world.

  7. ToastieTheCoastie

    Whatever explosives they were using must have been pretty potent to demolish that machine. But then again I know nothing about explosives.

Comments are closed.