When Guns Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Canned Peas

sweet-peas-10-canActually, we don’t know for sure they were peas, but canned peas are nasty, school-lunch level stuff, so we’re totally prepared to slander them. And the 6+ lb. No. 10 can? Well, it has to have been an assault can, right?

Why this 59-year-old woman took up a can, or cans, of food and used it, or them, to bludgeon her boyfriend into the Choir Invisible is not revealed. Just that she did it, and is sitting in pokey with a reccommendation of $1M bail, awaiting trial for murder.

Linda Clarene Jackson faces one count of murder in connection with the death of 59-year-old David Ruiz, who was found dead Tuesday, June 16, in the 40200 block of 164th Street East.

Jackson allegedly killed Ruiz while he was at her house by bludgeoning him in the head with canned foods, according to Deputy District Attorney Jon Hatami. Details about a possible motive for the killing were not released.

Palmdale Sheriff’s Station responded to the area around 1:20 p.m. June 16 regarding a person injured and bleeding, sheriff’s officials said. Deputies found a victim bleeding and unresponsive, and the victim was pronounced dead at the scene.

Jackson was arrested around 3:15 p.m. Tuesday and booked at the Lancaster Sheriff’s Station around 3:50 a.m. Wednesday, according to LASD inmate records.

The felony complaint filed Thursday alleges Jackson used canned food as a deadly and dangerous weapon and that she was convicted in 2005 for making criminal threats, the prosecutor said.

via AV woman charged with murdering boyfriend with canned foods | The Antelope Valley Times.

As usual, we blame the lack of “commonsense gun laws” like the outright bans the “commonsense gun laws” people advocate, and human depravity, but mostly human depravity.

Oh wait, this murder happened in California, where the “commonsense gun bans” are already in effect. Tough luck being dead, Ruiz, but at least you didn’t die of a gunshot wound, and San Franciscans can preen over that. 

Maybe what they really need is a banned on canned foods — especially those deadly #10 assault cans. After all, who needs a can that size?

12 thoughts on “When Guns Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Canned Peas

  1. Ken

    I have no doubt that San Franciscans would like to ban canned peas. Not local, sustainable, organic, fair trade, blah blah blah.

  2. Jim

    I dont mind peas but i think anyone found to be in posession of ANY amount of creamed corn should face a 20 year minimum sentance. Lets do it for the children.

  3. DSM

    How did that can contain more than ten peas? There should be a reasonable limit to the capacity of said cans. Were there multiple cans? How did she reload so quickly? Clearly we need a special device to limit the speed of which a pantry door can be accessed to affect a reload of cans. I would imagine that can also had a lip allowing the attachment of a bayonet-like opening device. We need funding to research this further. If not it’s only a matter of time before someone installs one those shoulder things that goes up.

  4. Buckaroo

    I myself prefer the LeSeur baby peas when using canned peas as a weapon. Recoil is better managed so easy to keep sights on target, can is manufactured from thicker steel resulting in significantly more wound trauma (confirmed by FBI gelatin tests), and the tin coating is more durable and corrosion-resistant. Furthermore, once combat operations have concluded, the peas prove considerably more tender, with a richer pea flavor, than competitive products.

  5. S

    This would never have happened with a bowl of gruel. Not enough energy, and certainly not willing to spill the gruel.

  6. Al T.

    Can of peas? Check can of peas? Has a familiar ring to it from far away and long ago……… *

    * holy crap, be 35 years ago this August…… Damn.

    1. Pathfinder

      Check can of peas. LOL. How many times did we fall for that in Jump school. Wonder if the black hats still use it?

  7. Aesop

    It’s the AV.

    In CA, people in CA tell jokes about Bakersfield.
    In the Central Valley, people in Bakersfield tell jokes about Oildale.
    People in Oildale tell jokes about the people in Palmdale.
    All are correct.

    But it’s all L.A. County; the cops aren’t a lot better than the robbers, going no deeper than this evening’s headlines:
    http://abc7.com/news/3-deputies-found-guilty-in-beating-of-visitor-at-mens-central-jail/803368/

    And as the OP makes obvious, only the military and law enforcement should have canned goods.
    Retort pouches only for the rest of us.

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