Assclown of the Ides: John Giduck again

It probably seems unreasonable to select the same wannabe again for a second Assclown of the Ides feature, when there have been so many phonies. After all, Mary Schantag has over 3,000 on the list at POWNetwork.org. But John Giduck has outdone himself this time. WeaponsMan presents: comedy gold, amateur video department.

John Giduck Russian Shovel Training – YouTube.

A few things you need to understand about John Giduck. Despite his military pants and bloused boots, despite repeated claims that he was Special Forces, Ranger, officer, you name it; despite insinuating that he had something to do with CAG or SEAL Team Six, Giduck’s entire military experience in the USA consists of boloing basic training, in the 1980s. That is a feat which was nearly impossible, but that Giduck achieved, being cut from the team, as it were, 58 days into basic training.

No SF, no Ranger, no nothing. That’s our Johnny.

So after a stint as an attorney, including a shack-up with a client who went on to be a convicted (and confessed) cop-killer. Giduck re-invented himself as an expert on counterterrorism, or as he puts it, a terrorologist.

His basis of experience now comprises “eighteen years training with Soviet Spetsnaz forces” — although it’s sometimes 12 years or 15 years or eleventy-leven years (that’s the problem with lies: remembering what lie you told to whom. As John Giduck’s whole life is a lie, this is a problem for him).

Turns out his Spetsnaz experience is also… a tad mite bit inflated. Actually he attended two or three one-week Spetsnaz Adventure camps in Russia… the kind where you pay money and real Russians will be your coin-operated comrades, as long as you keep feeding the meter. But John Giduck did acquire a  bit of skill at throwing Russian entrenching tools (which are, for what it’s worth, copies of German entrenching tools. The Germans might have won the war if only they’d thrown them instead of digging the Führerbunker with the jeezly things).

The video has to be seen to be believed. It includes every bad martial arts instructor gimmick ever, including the four assailants who wait their turn to attack, and comically speeded-up video that’s more Charlie Chaplin than Chuck Norris.

So be warned: if you see a fat guy coming down the street carrying a basic load of shovels, put down your mug… it could be John Giduck, and he’s so involuntarily hilarious that you’d ruin your keyboard with nasally-radiated coffee. And after this video, we think we can add fake instructor and fake martial artist to Giduck’s range of self-inflicted fake credentials.

Next month, we promise, someone new. We mean, even John Giduck couldn’t do anything retarded enough to top this. He couldn’t. Couldn’t he?

14 thoughts on “Assclown of the Ides: John Giduck again

  1. Medic09

    Okay, first my disclaimer. I have never trained with Spetsnaz, nor seen them in action of any sort. This video inspires all kinds of scenarios in my mind, beginning with the first line.

    “The Russian combat shovel was always a WEAPON OF CHOICE for the Spetsnaz.”

    Just imagine a Russian operator sneaking up on an unsuspecting target. As he draws near for the silent kill, he brings up his…knife? Garrote, maybe? No! His shovel!

    Or the Russian operator, suddenly spotted by an enemy just meters away. As the enemy raises his weapon, the Russian…shoots him with a silenced pistol? Charges him with a knife? Throws a knife? No! He throws his shovel and decapitates him!

    Or Russian operators, backed into a corner and about to be overrun by opposing forces, lay all their weapons to hand in preparation for a last, desperate stand. AK-47s, pistols for backup, grenades, mines, etc. But when the ‘weapon of choice’ must be grabbed, it will be…a shovel!

    Well, you get the idea. I had a hard time just getting past that opening line.

    1. Hognose Post author

      Hey Doc —

      If you’ve ever seen a Russian (Uzbek, Krgyz, Belarusian, roll with me here…) Spetsnaz demo you’ve seen the shovel act, usually taken to greater, acrobatic heights. Like hitting the target with the e-tool while doing a backflip. They freely admit that they wouldn’t do this in combat (especially not the backflip…) but it’s a confidence-building, signature thing of theirs. But mostly for their version of the old SF Gabriel demo (if you’ve seen the movie The Green Berets, you’ve seen the Gabriel demo. It was a staple from the early sixties through some time around 1990).

      Throwing an edged weapon is a high-risk combat move. It’s a circus stunt. But poor pathetic Giduck seems to take it seriously.

      On the other hand, I did meet a guy who won the MOH, in part, with an e-tool, Ola L. Mize. Still alive (his gong came in Korea, he also served in Vietnam).

  2. Missy Farquhar

    Well, when someone is as full of crap as John Giduck, one might expect that he has to carry an entrenching tool all the time.

  3. Missy Farquhar

    Oh, I missed the ‘bolo’ comment.
    Does that mean that John Giduck FAILED Basic Training?
    Basic Training? I didn’t know that was possible.

    1. Hognose Post author

      Yes, there’s a “trainee discharge” program that lets the Army (or other services) get rid of weak, unadaptable or unsuitable candidates. They try to execute it before 60 days to prevent the VA being on the hook, which it can be with as little as two months’ service. I’m told Giduck is now claiming he was medically discharged, which is possible, I just haven’t seen that claim of his. A trainee discharge for medical reasons (i.e. the candidate had a medical problem that predated service, and had no prospects to recover enough for service) would be like any other trainee discharge, and would probably be under honorable conditions. But yeah, some people fail basic badly enough to recycle and some enough to get set home. Difference is, most of them don’t turn up as self-credentialed “terrorologists”.

  4. Coyote

    As a K9 guy I honestly and truly like the German Shepherd that walks over during the Steven Seagal-esque sped up bit and chooses unassing the AO rather than have it’s intelligence insulted by the nonsense occurring just off his nose.

  5. Steelbreeze

    I have to admit to being surprised that he still has this video up. I don’t know if I enjoyed watching how easily he got winded or listening to his provide his own light sabre sound effects better.

    1. Hognose Post author

      That’s cold, dude. Bwahahahaha. Hopefully I won’t be stuck for an assclown next month, but in case I am, I *do* have another GI Duck video in reserve.

  6. Justaclerk

    Comedy gold indeed. Now that Giduck and his Giduckettes occupy a space lower than Idema I think you’ll be hard pressed to come up with another one.

  7. Joe723

    This video is hilarious. Showed it to my buddy who is a professional martial arts instructor with 40 years of experience. His jaw dropped – its unreal.

    The sad thing is that many Law Enforcement Agencies fell for it.

  8. Anton Breslinski

    Johnski no him Shovelski fight. Johnski learn bout it in Secret Venture campski.
    Next fun camp learn how use Sterno for Bodka.

    He earn certified Sterno Drinker Poster signed by Alfredski E. Nuemanski & big
    Poster four digging shit hole he keeps putting him footsie in. Don’t use him Shovel
    Weapon after shit hole ski!

  9. NoliMeTangere

    Video Titled

    Tinker, Lawyer,Poser,Terrorologist

    Bwhaaaa

    Ouch…. I cut myself on my shovel…..

  10. Anton Breslinski

    See he made the Posers Hall of Shame over on the POW Network site.
    Now in all his BS postings on his whine site he’s calling himself Dr. John Giduck.
    Funny thing is that he writes a certain style and all his “fans” write the exact way.
    You don’t think he BSing us do y

  11. Mikel Bresnef

    Wednesday, Jul 27 1994
    Ardor in the court: This month’s sexual harassment suit against cowboy-booted lawyer Phil Lowery put that dull stuff in L.A. to shame. One of the most delicious moments came when a former lawyer with Lowery’s firm, John Giduck, accused one of the plaintiffs of “unprofessional” behavior. Veteran court-watchers may recall that Giduck himself exercised some questionable legal judgment when he jetted off to the Caribbean with then-client Donna Yaklich, the grieving widow who was later convicted of killing her husband, undercover cop Dennis. Donna’s currently doing time.

    Among the less-than-professional actions Giduck pinned on receptionist Mary Reichert: flirting on the phone with a caller who turned out to be U.S. District Judge Jim Carrigan. The judge, who moves to senior status this fall, on Tuesday was given the Trial Lawyers of America’s Amicus Award for his “vigilance in always putting the rights and dignity of individuals first.”

Comments are closed.