When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have porcelain rodents

squrrel

Representative photo of the perpetrator (likeness based on description)

Things you just couldn’t make up.

The Charleston County Sheriff’s office says in a report that deputies found a man covered with blood when they arrived at Helen Williams’ North Charleston home early Wednesday. She told investigators the man fell and cut himself, but couldn’t explain why her hands and clothes were also bloody.

Deputies say the man said Williams was so angry when he returned without beer because stores were closed on Christmas Eve that she grabbed a ceramic squirrel, beat him in the head, then stabbed him in the shoulder and chest.

via Police: No beer led to ceramic squirrel stabbing – DC News FOX 5 DC WTTG.

Helen Williams mugshotThe 44-year-old Williams is in jail. (We’re sure that will shock you). Apparently she didn’t need a gun to flip out, and start acting out.

Of course, criminality is often correlated with poor impulse control and lack of even the most basic advance planning skills, i.e., lay in a supply of beer before the stores close for the holiday.

It’s going to be a while before she gets her beer. That might be one reason for the sour expression.

No word on the disposition of the ceramic squirrel; for all we know, it’s in jail, too. Call it DUSTWUN for now.

But the beating victim is expected to recover, demonstrating for all time that a ceramic squirrel is a substandard selection for a murder weapon. Any regular reader of this space knows that hammers, axes and baseball bats get the job done.

We do draw the line at wishing Ms Williams better luck next time.

2 thoughts on “When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have porcelain rodents

  1. AndyN

    I wouldn’t try to deny that a ceramic squirrel is a substandard murder weapon, but I don’t think it’s necessarily as ineffective as this case makes it look. I’d look at the shot to the head less as a real attack and more as a distraction and a means of putting a jagged edge on the squirrel. If they both ended up covered in blood from her stabbing him in the chest and shoulder, I’d be inclined to believe she could have finished him off if she’d gone for the throat instead. Since that seems to be obvious, she probably wasn’t actually trying to kill him, but was just trying to give him a permanent reminder of what happens when the beer runs out. The injuries were just redneck dueling scars.

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