This may be the most amazing story we’ve ever posted here: a tale of gross TSA misconduct that doesn’t even involve a TSA employee. Instead, our dreadful sample of security theater comes via a lawyer (quelle surprise!), one Ryan Hemphill, who was such a lowlife that he pretended to be a TSA drone.
“Doing what?” you may ask. Well, we don’t normally go slumming where this story appeared, the New York Post, but since you asked:
During pretrial hearings, prosecutors said the couple made a sex tape where he pretended to be a “TSA agent, searching her body cavities,” papers state.
Hemphill also had 20 homemade porn videos featuring him choking, water-boarding and torturing women, mostly prostitutes, prosecutors added.
“One of the objects we recovered is a baton, looks like a police baton, and inside, if you undo it, is a sword,” prosecutor Sara Weiss said. “He is in multiple videos holding that sword to the neck of blindfolded women, women he, on some occasions, urinates on, while he makes them recite prayers.”
We’d like it on record that, while we do enjoy swords around Hog Manor, we don’t enjoy them in quite the same way.
But gee, this Ryan Hemphill fellow really seems like one of nature’s natural noblemen. (He grew up wealthy, which certainly seems to have made an impression on his character). So what’s he in that part of the court for? You know, the part where the lawyer needs a lawyer (and Hemphill, who is a creep, not a fool, has got a lawyer, one Jason Steinberger)? Well, let’s defer to the Post again:
Hemphill, 33, the son of a pediatric neurologist, is on trial for allegedly assaulting [girlfriend Christina] Leos, with whom he enjoyed S&M sex games at his Murray Hill pad.
[The] Manhattan lawyer who liked to dress as an airport security screener during S&M sessions with his girlfriend wound up choking and threatening her with a knife, prosecutors said Monday.
Christina Leos, a former preschool teacher, described for jurors how her pudgy, bespectacled former boyfriend, Ryan Hemphill, allegedly choked her during one of their rough-sex sessions.
Well Hemphill has certainly done his bit to make pudgy, bespectacled guys more sought after by young women than they have been heretofore.
Note the description of the victim as “former preschool teacher.” When the press want to make an unemployed babysitter look sympathetic, they can!
“It hurt, it scared me, but there was no pain afterwards,” the petite bottle blonde, 32, said in Manhattan Supreme Court.
You’ll have an irresistible urge to wash thoroughly if you Read The Whole Thing™. Another Post story has more details, including more about his creepasmic proclivities, and the fact that he was charged with “Strangulation in the 2nd Degree.” What, degrees? We thought strangulation was one of those things like pregnancy, a yes or no question, but we guess New York law finds distinctions even among the chokers and stranglers.
Maybe 2nd degree is reserved for ligation by litigator.
For the attorneys in our audience: Hofstra Law, and undergrad, honors. And apparently, he hadn’t passed the New York Bar when arrested. You know how it is, though: paint one wall and we don’t call you a painter, but get one lousy law degree and the legal profession is tarred with your every action for life.
As to why Hemphill is represented by Jason Steinberger, we understand that’s because “Better call Saul!” is a fictional character.