Alas, poor Small Dog. He will be home alone, watching the Puppy Bowl, while his owner tortures himself with a social setting. But it Must Be Done.
Some of the family (you know who you are) are the sort of rabid fans who will be on suicide watch if the Patriots, who are narrow favorites (say the oddsmakers), fall behind. Your Humble Blogger has learned over many years of attending football in this setting that suggesting that, “It’s only a game,” is not appreciated, and that, “No one will care three years from now,” while factual, is not a suitable consolation for a fan in distress.
Normally, the Super Bowl’s high point for a non-fan is the clever and imaginative ads that have become a tradition since Apple’s 1984 ad ran during the event in, when else? 1984. However, we’ve seen several of the ads already and they’re either humorless pitches or new fronts in the Social Justice War. (You may not be interested in the SJWs, but they are interested in dictating to you).
For instance, Audi has some insecure manikin sniveling because his daughter is only worth 79% of a man, to which we say, doesn’t that really depend on who her father really is? Kia is promoting a new ho-hum crossover, otherwise like every other boring crossover, with an ad featuring fat, grating alleged comic Melissa McCarthy. Who wants to watch her do anything? If talent were plutonium, she’d be hard pressed to blow her nose.
Not that any veterans are going to be caught dead driving a KIA, anyway.
Not all the car ads are as unpleasant as getting a seat in coach between Melissa McCarthy and Amy Schumer (the other fat, grating alleged comic). Mercedes has a good one, even if its targeted at septuagenarian Boomers. Well, really, who else buys Benzes, besides gangsta rappers?
Budweiser last year made a series of unfunny political ads for Bud Lite with burnout comic Seth Rogen and the aforementioned Amy Schumer (who owes her career to her politically powerful uncle, and Hollywood’s desire to suck up to same). The ads were effective, but not the way the admen hoped: sales of Bud Light tanked, and only made a partial recovery after the ads were spiked. This year, the fool’s burnt finger goes wabbling back to the fire: Bud has an ad implying that, because Adolphus Busch was an immigrant, we’re wrong to stop the current migrant invasion. Of course, Busch arrived well-off, compatible with the existing population, and with a very useful, wanted, even celebrated skill. Today’s invaders are incompatible with our ways, bearing nothing but demands and a spoken or unspoken determination to bury us in the living hell of sharia law, or the racial class stratification of Latin American caudillismo — not to mention, extending a grasping hand for what is ours.
Apparently the message of the admen of America is: you suck and we hate you.
Judging from the messaging, you’d think the 49ers were the favored team, going into this game. How’d Colin Krappernick and the
boys genderfluid humanoids do, again?
If they weren’t counting on us for our share of the finger food (egg and spring rolls, Chinese sausage chunks, and brownies… no, not Boulder brownies), we’d be watching the Puppy Bowl with Small Dog MkII.